The Amazing Sexcapades of Gilbo and Eliza
by Domomomo
Summary: Today, Gilbert and Elizabeta decided to have sex, but everything went to hell. FML
1. A Sexy Cow

_"Today, my boyfriend and I were starting to get in the mood. I get on top of him, lean down to kiss him, and he begins to laugh. Puzzled, I ask him why. He tells me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I remind him of a cow, with 'udders' . Offended, I go to get off. 'No no' he protests, 'a SEXY cow'. FML"_

_-----  
_

Elizabeta leaned over, eagerly seeking out Gilbert's lips, coming to a confused halt as she watched his eyes, seemingly mesmerized with something.

"Gilbe--"

"You know, you kind of remind me of a cow."

She could only stare in shock as Gilbert began chuckling, quickly exploding into loud cackles, his nails biting into Elizabeta's sides as tears gathered at the corners of his eyes.

"Y-your tits...th-they're like _UDDERS_...!" Gilbert erupted in another round of laughter, moving to grab the brunette's chest.

"G-Gilbert, you _idiot!!_" Elizabeta's voice echoed the disgust she felt as she pried the man's hands off of herself, gathering her discarded clothes (and thoroughly decimated pride) and heading for the door.

"N-no!" Gilbert tried in vain to calm himself, reaching an arm out to her while the other held his aching chest. "I meant a _SEXY_ cow!!"

With that, the door slammed.


	2. Your Brother

_"Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML"_

_-----  
_

Gilbert was so awesome, so cool.

No one could compare, really.

In fact, taking in the sight of the gloriously naked Hungarian below him, he'd have to say that he was probably the greatest, most manly of all men.

He'd tamed the beast that was Elizabeta, achieving what others could only dream of.

Yes, Gilbert was indeed a prime example of masculinity.

Setting a pace in his thrusts, Gilbert looked down at his prize, the love of his life that he'd worked so hard to win the heart of.

The moment was perfect.

"_You know, Gilbert, you look a lot like your brother._"

Still within her, Gilbert felt his boner die.


	3. Stop

_"Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, I had my first orgasm. He thought something was wrong, so he stopped. FML"_

_-----  
_

"A-Ahh...Gilbe-bert!!" Elizabeta cried, her arms constricting around aforementioned albino's neck, her form shaking in apparent pain.

Gilbert all but froze as he exclaimed, "O-oh God, Eliza, are you okay?! S-sorry, I'll pull i out, I-I guess,"he began to remove himself as she moaned again.

"Un-nnnn...don't-don't take it _out!_" Gilbert fixed a confused glare on her, prompting her to tell him what the _fuck_ she meant. "I-I think...I think I came."

"O-oh. _OHH_. Oh, o-okay. So...do we keep going?"

If only one good thing came of this encounter the two could be thankful that the awkward first time was over and done with.

...And, you know, they now understand what an orgasm sounds like.


	4. Condom

_"Today, I hooked up with the guy I've been seeing. Apparently he doesn't believe in condoms and took it off without my knowing; I didn't realize until after. When I asked him in horror why he would do such a thing, he said "I love you. I want you to have my child." It had been our second date. FML"_

-----

Condoms are an essential.

So much so that Elizabeta was about to tear off the head of the man laying beside her.

"What do you _mean_ you took it off?!"

"I told you, I don't believe in them."

"How can you not believe in them? There's a box of them _right there!!_"

"I can see that, babe."

Elizabeta was on the brink of tears as her hands twitched, more than ready to throttle this guy. "Why would you do something like this, you moron?!"

This is where it got weird.

Gilbert, as he introduced himself two weeks ago, rolled over on top of her, supporting his weight with this elbows. "Babe, I love you. You mean the world to me, and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone but you. I want you to give birth to my kid..." Gilbert flushed and turned his face away from hers, his entire being radiating shy embarrassment.

Under normal circumstances Elizabeta would have found this behavior incredibly adorable, but not now. Nothing about this was normal. There were too many things wrong with this, such as...

"You've forgotten my name."

"Yeahhh...Refresh my memory?"

His question was met with a deafening screech coupled with a well-aimed knee to the groin, and he would swear he had heard some sort of crunching sound down there.  
_  
What the hell had he done wrong?!_


	5. Sharing

_"Today, I realized that when my new roommate said we could both use the condoms he bought, he didn't mean separately. FML"_

* * *

She made sure to close the door as she exited his room, making her way to leave the apartment. "See you later, Gilbert, I'm out!"

Gilbert looked up from his position on the couch, confused frown on his face as he watched her put something in her purse. "Hey, what'd you go into my room for? And what'd you take?"

"Uhm, some condoms?" Elizabeta scoffed, shooting him an expression that clearly said, "are you high, or something?" "I'm going over to my boyfriend Roderich's house, so I thought it might be a good idea. Besides, you said we could share, remember?" Gilbert seemed to narrow his eyes at the mention of her boyfriend, but Elizabeta thought nothing of it; Gilbert tended to become bored and irritated with things that weren't about him, music, or pranks.

Pausing the game he had been playing on his phone, Gilbert stood up and stretched before crossing the room to where his roommate stood. "Lizzy," he began, throwing his arm over her shoulder and shaking his head. "Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy. I guess you don't speak Awesome, but that's understandable. But when I said "we can share them" that doesn't mean "be a slut and go have sex with every guy on the street-"" he purposefully ignored the deadly glare being pointed at him and continued, "What it _actually_ means, in the language of awesome me, is, "if either of us is feeling horny, let's have sex and be friends with benefits." Get it?"

He shouldn't have really expected anything but the petrified silence that followed, but was it really setting his sights too high if he expected her to at least lift her skirt? I mean, this IS the Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt. Women jump at the chance to have sex with a guy like him, right? Right.

'**_WRONG_**', his genitals seemed to scream as a foot reared up and kicked them.

In a rather large moment of weakness (and pain) Gilbert crumpled to the floor, curling into himself as the door slammed near his head. That bitch owed him. _Big Time_.


	6. Wedgie

_"Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML"_

* * *

Elizabeta yanked his tie down roughly in order to kiss him more fully, using one hand to hold him in place and the other to feel behind her as she pulled him toward his bedroom whereas Gilbert, who prided himself on being a true man, was running his hands up and down her sides and invading her mouth with his tongue. It was nice, having her coming onto him instead of him going after her...maybe _too_ nice. Could it have been the tie? Must've turned her on, or something.

However, none of these thoughts actually stuck in Gilbert's mind, his brain reduced to a primitive state and shouting "_MORE, GIVE. GIVE MORE, GET SEX_" as the pair progressed towards their destination.

Any chance at coherency was lost when Elizabeta dragged Gilbert onto the bed with her, him hovering over her as she immediately began running her hands over his broad shoulders, strong arms, and abs, then moving to unbutton his shirt.

Gilbert was never one to waste an opportunity, never more evident than when he lowered his head to her neck and began kissing and biting, smirk coming naturally as he felt the shiver Elizabeta gave. It was then his turn to shiver as her delicate hands danced down his chest toward his groin, already hard as a rock because that woman was too damn sexy.

Murmuring her name over and over Gilbert felt her hands drift toward his ass (_'and what an ass it was'_, Gilbert thought), tracing the lining of his pants all the way to his spine.

Coherency is a very fickle entity: not present when it needs to be, and all too present when you wish it wasn't. Gilbert's eyes flashed in pain as his erection was bent and tightly constricted by the fabric of his underwear, pulled taut by an immensely fickle Hungarian.

He should liked to have cried the aching pain away, but he had none. Instead, he promptly passed out on top of Elizabeta, who in turn cursed him and tried her best to roll him off of her.

Life is a very fickle little bitch.


End file.
